37.

Just some things I thought about on my 37th birthday. Some things I wish my younger self had known. Some things I want my older self to know. I kind of wish my older self could write one back because I’d love to know where I’ll be 37 years from now, or heck- one year from now! However, I’m also not one to ever ruin a surprise, spill a secret, or read the end of a book. I’m here for the journey. There’s simplicity and comfort in letting go of control. I’m not anywhere near there truly, but I’m farther than I was a couple years ago and every little bit I let go feels a little bit better…

In no particular order, here’s a peek into my 37 year old brain:

1. LET THEM

Whatever you are worried that people may think about what you are doing, what it looks like, what you actually look like, what your motivations are- let them. It’s fine. I promise.

2. CLEARANCE PLANTS

Hands down the best way to feed your plant addiction. The clearance plant section at the Lowes in Waxhaw, NC is and always has been the best one around. Fight me.

3. IT WON’T EVER BE DONE

There is no such thing as a finish line, you’ll never be all caught up, there is no done. It’s all a process. Always. Sorry.

4. PERENNIALS

The other favorite garden hack. Don’t waste money on annuals (unless you really truly love them because it’s actually impossible to waste money on plants…)

5. DO YOUR FUTURE SELF A FAVOR

You won’t ever regret it but you have to temper it. See number 3.

6. YES, REGRETS

On a soul level, you always want perfection, you are terrified of having regrets and let that guide decision making too often. No regrets means you aren’t living. There are things you definitely wish you had done differently and there will be down the road too. That’s okay.

7. REST

It’s not wrong. It’s allowed. It’s necessary. It’s good. 

8. MOVE

Every. Day. Whenever you try to talk yourself into being lazy, you are forgetting the benefits to your mental health. They are honestly immeasurable.

9. TRAVEL

Yeah, yeah. You want to be content at home and you are. However, you love to travel too. Balancing the two is tricky but good for the soul. Enjoy home and go enjoy the world too.

10. NATURE

The earthly pleasure that never lets you down. You have to get in it (preferably barefoot) every single day. It will never cease to surprise and amaze. Look at the sky or look at a square inch of soil. There’s so much.

11. MASSAGE

Get one every chance you get. Even a subpar massage is better than not getting a massage.

12. JOURNALING

Do you still wish you were a serious journal-er? We tried our hardest this year but I don’t think it’s in us. This is a lifelong dream that is being let go of in year 37. Write when you want to, when it feels good. It’ll likely never be systematic or regular and that’s okay.

13. SILENCE

About as healing as nature, don’t be afraid of it. Let it be.

14. LEGOS

You slept on these for years. Such a fantastic time-suck. If it’s been a while since you put together a lego set, go get one today. Nervous system regulating fun!

15. SLEEP

Not a waste. You need more of it than you ever thought too. Being a “nightowl” was never as cool as you thought it was.

16. LITTLE TREAT CULTURE

Gosh, I hope this is still going strong years from now. Never underestimate the power of a little treat (preferably from a local coffee shop) Reward yourself or comfort yourself, they always get the job done.

17. GOD'S WILL IS WIDE

So much more beautiful and wider than you ever thought possible. The will of God is not a narrow cliff you should fear stepping off of. It’s big and bright and full of love and possibilities you never imagined.

18. YOU ARE CREATIVE

You boxed yourself into a narrative of a typical type-A first born for so long. As an enneagram one, it wasn’t all wrong but you are a lot more than that. You are creative and spontaneous and a bit of a wreck. Let it all out.

19. MOTHERING

You thought it was all that you ever wanted and it’s okay that it turns out that it's not. It has broken you in every way imaginable and it’s rebuilding you into something you never thought possible. It’s devastating and beautiful and such a gift. But it isn’t all you are.

20. MUSIC

I really hope years from now, your daily music suggestions are as completely unhinged as they are right now. It’s fine that there is absolutely no way to nail down your music tastes. An individual song can touch your soul in any genre. Even though you are NOT a crier….you know the ones.

21. PLANTS

Another soul-level obsession that was always there. No denying. 

22. NERVOUS SYSTEM

The biggest a-ha of your mid-thirties. It’s real and it matters. Do something to help regulate that baddie every day. And don’t forget your meds either!

23. ARTIST

You are one! Surprise!

24. LET LOVE BE YOUR HIGHEST CALL
It wins. Every time. There’s no room for judgment, darkness, or doubt of any kind. Love is the point of the whole story. It is the whole story. Period.

25. GRAY SPACE RULES

You used to find so much comfort in the black and white. It built walls, created order, made sense and made you feel safe. It wasn’t real though. The world is actually mostly gray and gray is gorgeous.

26. MOUNTAINS TO THE SEA

Chicken or egg? Do you need to spend time in the mountains and at the sea often because you were born in North Carolina with easy access to both OR were you born in NC because it’s a soul-level need of yours and the universe knew. Either way, go somewhere you feel small often. It’s just good for the soul.

27. NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY ARE DOING

World’s best kept secret. Most comforting truth.

28. ANIMALS

You aren’t a cat person or a dog person. Not growing up with many pets, this was something you wondered about. In actuality, you love all animals and sometimes prefer any animal to human interaction. Those close to you have heard it because it’s true- though you never saw yourself as a dog person, your dog has been a witness to some of the hardest seasons of your life. To things no one else saw. He sees and he knows and there is irreplaceable comfort and joy in that fact.

29. YOU MET YOUR HUSBAND IN KINDERGARTEN. THAT’S BOTH CRAZY AND COMPLETELY OKAY.

You aren’t better or worse off- though sometimes you’ve wondered. Your story is pretty unique but you didn’t miss anything. You’ve grown up together in ways that have been uniquely challenging and rewarding. It’s the hardest love to choose some days but it’s also like no other love you will ever experience. No one else has his perspective on you. What a ride these more than 30 years of familiarity have been!

30. TIME WAITS FOR NO MAN

It doesn’t “fly when you’re having fun” , it doesn't ever “crawl” “drag” or “stop” . It waits for no man or woman. It marches on. All we can do is make the best of the moments or simply survive them.

31. SEASONS /CYCLES

Take your clues from nature and lower your expectations. Living in flow with seasons and cycles is the antithesis of your early years and not in tune with the go-getter you thought you’d always be. It’s so much better.

32. READ

Oh. my. gosh. You missed a few years when you were creating those beautiful babies but the pure joy of a good book is like nothing else. Like your taste in music, there is no shame in the fact that you can completely equally enjoy a spicy romantasy, a dry self-help book grounded in academic research, and a huge sci-fi series (and often do them all simultaneously).

33. THAT 50 BY 50 LIST…YEAH

You remember that right? Of course you do. Freshman seminar class led by one of your favorite professors. You had to create a list of 50 things you would accomplish by the time you were 50. You found it recently and were a little dismayed to find you had accomplished very little of the things on that list. The truth is- though- while it was fun, it’s completely unrealistic that you would have chased all those big dreams you had your first week of college at 18 years old. I mean, come on. 

34. MY COLLEGE DEGREE

You went into college believing you were going to be a trilingual youth minister. You graduated college planning to become an educational ASL interpreter. You did none of those things. You went into some pretty big college debt basically to come out with a soul sister best friend. She’s worth every penny.

35. LEARNING, GROWING, CHANGING

Some of the systems and beliefs that raised you no longer apply. Yeah, that’s sort of scary. If we aren’t growing we aren’t living and girl- you have been living. 

36. NOT HAVING FAVORITES

You love it all! Do you still love it all? I hope so. 

37. TATTOOS

You wanted and waited 18 years for the first one and finally getting it was one of the best decisions. Having a piece of art that reflects your soul on your body is one of the more real, comforting, affirming choices you have ever made. I hope future JB (what people called me in high school) has lots more ink.

That’s it. Stream of consciousness, no priority or order. A 37th birthday brain dump. Can’t recommend this little exercise enough. If you do one, please share it with me!